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Musings On Walruses

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  • Jul 11, 2011
    Musings On Walruses

    The walrus just became my new favorite animal.

    This all started tonight when my cousin posted a picture on Facebook of herself and her younger sister, circa 1989.  They are seated in a little red wagon and my younger cousin looks like her face has begun the slow, painful process of eating itself.  Seriously, her cheeks are freaking huge.  Like, physically impossible huge.  No child should ever suffer the immense weight of so much face fat at such a young age.  ”Behemoth” doesn’t begin to describe their sheer magnitude.  They appear to have their own gravitational pull.  It’s sad, really.

    “She looks like a pufferfish wearing a bonnet,” I wrote under the picture.

    “She was the size of a baby walrus growing up,” my cousin replied.

    “I can’t hold my pee in I’m laughing so hard,” her younger sister typed with her walrus hands, peeing all over herself in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

    This hilarious discussion led to me Googling “baby walrus,” which was a delight in and of itself because I knew in my heart of hearts that this term has never been Googled before by anyone anywhere.  Go ahead and do it later and tell me how awesome the image results were for you.

    While we’re on the subject of walruses, I’ve long held the notion that no human better resembles the walrus - and vice versa - than Wilford Brimley.  If you put a walrus in a Quaker Oats or Liberty Medical diabetes testing supplies commercial, I wouldn’t know the difference.  I’d be like, “Look at that walrus riding a horse trying to sell me oatmeal!  I bet he has diabetes!”  (For the record, diabetes is no laughing matter.  Wilford Brimley pronouncing it “diabeetus” is however.)

    There exists on YouTube a clip of Wilford Brimley’s face morphing into that of a walrus.  The resemblance is uncanny.  The whiskers, the mustache, it’s beautiful.  As if that isn’t amazing enough, someone with far too much time on their hands - probably a pimply Danish hooligan named Kaarll - created an unreal YouTube remix entitled “Wilford Brimley’s Diabetes Dance Mix.”  Again, search for it after reading this and send me a mental high-five.  I couldn’t make this stuff up better if I tried.

    If I may digress, just think for a minute about how cool it would be to own a walrus and train it to do tricks for your friends…

    Obviously, the first trick I would teach Ben (that’s what I’d name him) would be to sing along in a British accent to The Beatles’ “I Am the Walrus.”  On every “goo goo g’joob” he’d lift his John Lennon glasses with his flipper and cross his walrus eyes and there would be much frivolity indeed.  ”LOL!” my friends would exclaim.

    I’d train him to valet cars at various large social gatherings such as wedding receptions or neighborhood block parties.  He’d wear a red velvet tuxedo jacket and do a horrible job.

    I’d sign him up for toothpaste commercials.

    We’d be best friends.  

    That is, until he had to go back to his walrus family at sea (understandable) and we’d be forced to part ways.  He’d gently pat my side with his walrus flipper, entrust me with his John Lennon glasses, and clumsily waddle off the dock and into the cold, bitter waters of goodbye, while tender strains of “I’m Free” by John Secada would meander about softly in the distance.

    “Godspeed, sweet friend.  Godspeed,” I’d say.  

    Fade to black, credits, hilarious outtakes of Ben as a valet setting off car alarms and losing keys over a Smashmouth song.

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Ryan_5's picture
on 11 July 2011 - 10:45pm

The walrus just became my new favorite animal.

This all started tonight when my cousin posted a picture on Facebook of herself and her younger sister, circa 1989.  They are seated in a little red wagon and my younger cousin looks like her face has begun the slow, painful process of eating itself.  Seriously, her cheeks are freaking huge.  Like, physically impossible huge.  No child should ever suffer the immense weight of so much face fat at such a young age.  ”Behemoth” doesn’t begin to describe their sheer magnitude.  They appear to have their own gravitational pull.  It’s sad, really.

“She looks like a pufferfish wearing a bonnet,” I wrote under the picture.

“She was the size of a baby walrus growing up,” my cousin replied.

“I can’t hold my pee in I’m laughing so hard,” her younger sister typed with her walrus hands, peeing all over herself in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

This hilarious discussion led to me Googling “baby walrus,” which was a delight in and of itself because I knew in my heart of hearts that this term has never been Googled before by anyone anywhere.  Go ahead and do it later and tell me how awesome the image results were for you.

While we’re on the subject of walruses, I’ve long held the notion that no human better resembles the walrus - and vice versa - than Wilford Brimley.  If you put a walrus in a Quaker Oats or Liberty Medical diabetes testing supplies commercial, I wouldn’t know the difference.  I’d be like, “Look at that walrus riding a horse trying to sell me oatmeal!  I bet he has diabetes!”  (For the record, diabetes is no laughing matter.  Wilford Brimley pronouncing it “diabeetus” is however.)

There exists on YouTube a clip of Wilford Brimley’s face morphing into that of a walrus.  The resemblance is uncanny.  The whiskers, the mustache, it’s beautiful.  As if that isn’t amazing enough, someone with far too much time on their hands - probably a pimply Danish hooligan named Kaarll - created an unreal YouTube remix entitled “Wilford Brimley’s Diabetes Dance Mix.”  Again, search for it after reading this and send me a mental high-five.  I couldn’t make this stuff up better if I tried.

If I may digress, just think for a minute about how cool it would be to own a walrus and train it to do tricks for your friends…

Obviously, the first trick I would teach Ben (that’s what I’d name him) would be to sing along in a British accent to The Beatles’ “I Am the Walrus.”  On every “goo goo g’joob” he’d lift his John Lennon glasses with his flipper and cross his walrus eyes and there would be much frivolity indeed.  ”LOL!” my friends would exclaim.

I’d train him to valet cars at various large social gatherings such as wedding receptions or neighborhood block parties.  He’d wear a red velvet tuxedo jacket and do a horrible job.

I’d sign him up for toothpaste commercials.

We’d be best friends.  

That is, until he had to go back to his walrus family at sea (understandable) and we’d be forced to part ways.  He’d gently pat my side with his walrus flipper, entrust me with his John Lennon glasses, and clumsily waddle off the dock and into the cold, bitter waters of goodbye, while tender strains of “I’m Free” by John Secada would meander about softly in the distance.

“Godspeed, sweet friend.  Godspeed,” I’d say.  

Fade to black, credits, hilarious outtakes of Ben as a valet setting off car alarms and losing keys over a Smashmouth song.

Comments

Diva_Donna's picture

Has someone checked Ryan's room at Harrah's for a carbon monoxide leak? ;-)
Rich Bentel's picture

We start by finding out why Ryan's new favorite animal is a walrus. It then morphs into a story not unlike "If you give a pig a pancake". So I'm calling this blog entry of Ryan's "If You Give Ryan a Walrus". Excellent post as always, Ryan. We need more - more often lest we take our allegiance across the street and let Don amuse us with his blogging skills.
Kathleen's picture

Love the blog as usual..My contribution to the conversation is that whichever way you pronounce "diabetes" it is preferable to hearing many of the folks around hear say that they have "sugar" as in the following sentence. "I give myself shots for my sugar" Arrggghhh, like fingernails scraping a blackboard to me.
S. Brandon's picture

For those of you who couldn't tell....Eileen got it right; I was only trying to harass Ryan (back) about the pronunciation of "diabetes." :-D Matter of fact, Mr. Ahlwerdt, sir, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your parenthetical addition that the disease itself is no laughing matter, not that people would think it was, but a lot of people don't know how serious it can be. I certainly didn't know eighteen years ago. My apologies, however, if you thought I was seriously taking you to task, Ryan.
Tic Tac Lady's picture

"Wil-fred Brimley looks just like a wal-a-rus...Only Wil-fred Brim-a-ley will do, ...no caged-up birds, no sea-gull that snatches.. .I want a Wil-fred just for his mu-sta-ches" Hmmm...not quite the twist you were looking for, Eileen?? ^ ~ ^
EileenR's picture

Ugh, I HATE that hippo song! (No offense to those who like it.) But, like many songs, if SNC put their twist on it, I'd probably like it!
ChaserJulie's picture

@Marcaich "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas" is one of my FAVORITES!! =)
jillyj98's picture

you are too funny :)
Marcaich's picture

Well at least you aren't writing about a hippopotamus .. but that would make for a nice SNC xmas song :-)
EileenR's picture

Definitely has the walrus facial hair, Allie. However, i think Mr. Brimley embodies walrus-ness more completely, with his whole appearance, perhaps even his whole being.
AllieUSaid's picture

i dont know if i'm the only one but i when i read this i thought of another walrus... jamie from the mythbusters
Laura D's picture

I love your imagination, Ryan! What a way to start the day reading this. I just hope I can get the images out of my head so I can concentrate at work today. HA! HA! I hope you have a great Thursday. :)
Lieve_2's picture

Love your blog posts Ryan !!!!!
EileenR's picture

She DID wink, Julie. BTW, if you read "Geez, S" out loud, it sounds like you are praying. Or maybe that's just how I pronounce it! ;)
ChaserJulie's picture

Geez, S.
S. Brandon's picture

I can't figure out why you think his pronunciation of diabetes is so funny. That's how most people I know say it, and I would think growing up in the same geographical area, you would hear that a lot, too. I'm assuming you prefer di-a-BEET-eez? Must be a Hamilton county thing. :-p I will admit, my oldest brother is a certified di-a-BEET-eez educator, but he's about the only person I know who says it that way, so don't be a snob. ;-)
EileenR's picture

Rene: It's from "The Courtship of Eddie's Father". It was a show about a widowed father and his son, Eddie. (GREEP)
Rene A's picture

NO,no,no, it's Wally.....!....and it would have to be a vest. cuz he needs his flippers free to steer the cars. I wish you were my neighbor....I can only imagine the trips we'd take from the backporch with our laptops and a beer... cheers! (strains from that show about little Eddie (?) and his Dad..."people let me tell ya 'bout my be-est friend..."
L_'s picture

...mental high-five...very difficult waiting to get to the end of your (riveting) musings before flashing over to youtube where I proceeded to watch a multitude of WB "diabeetes" remixes; I swear I nearly peed in my pajamas (: Thanks and Godspeed to you and Ben and your cousins.
Shaina's picture

Wow.
Michelle Z.'s picture

Somehow between The Beatles "I am the Walrus", red velvet suits, John Secada and SmashMouth, I got War's "Why Can't We Be Friends" stuck in my head for so long, I YouTube'd it and found out that SmashMouth did a remake of it. So just for pure amusement...and possible credits/outtakes music, here you go!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx0Shn5Hvpc&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL Thanks for your thoughts, Ryan. Much Enjoyed!! :)
Jennifer_11's picture

Honestly, I love when I get on this website and there's a new post from Ryan! I laughed so hard reading this, I kept losing my place and had to read it over and over again (PS, it's funnier each time!!) Maybe it's a good thing Ryan is usually the only one to blog....I'm not sure the others could compete with his literary genius! Keep writing, Ryan! My day is always so much brighter with a little "Ryan blogging" in it!
Kathy Burke's picture

Obviously, the 'What Do I Do With Myself During The Day While I'm In AC' has started! Thanks for sharing the journey, Ryan!!
Lauren_8's picture

Man oh man. What started out as a wonderful day just got even better and funnier with this. I couldn't agree more about Wilford Brimley.
EileenR's picture

Thanks for the excellent essay on walruses. And Wilford Brimley. I totally agree that the resemblance is remarkable. I have thought that to myself, even before you pointed it out. I wonder how many walruses have diabetes. On the subject of walruses, back when my sister & I were simultaneously planning our weddings (which were 3 1/2 months apart), there was a lovely article in a wedding-planning magazine about trends in last names after marriage. They talked about how the bride can take the groom's name, the groom can take the bride's name, you can use both names with a hyphen, OR a NEW trend was to take part of the bride's maiden name & add part of the groom's last name & make a WHOLE NEW last name JUST for your NEW FAMILY! My sister was marrying a guy with the last name Walsh. Our maiden name was Fahres (pronounced farr- ess), so I advised my sis to follow the new trend & be the Wal-res (Walrus) family. She declined to take me up on this brilliant idea, but I've been buying her walrus stuff ever since. You'd be amazed how much walrus stuff is out there. Or maybe YOU wouldn't be amazed 'cause you googled "baby walrus". On a related note, I often wonder what happens when 2 people with hyphenated last names marry each other. Do they put all 4 names together? Like if Susie Smith-Jones marries Freddie Adams-Nelson, do they become Susie & Freddie Smith-Jones-Adams-Nelson?
laura_9's picture

Hilarious, as always.
S. Brandon's picture

Ryan, what have you been ingesting?!
MaryS's picture

Ryan - you're a stitch!
SamanthaBari's picture

"LOL," I eclaimed. Oh Ryan, you're hilarious and so creative. Aren't Walruses (Walri...?) the greatest? :D
Tic Tac Lady's picture

I think *may-be* your subconcious had just seen a movie trailer for "Zookeeper" with Kevin James! (Does Wilfred Brimley have a cameo?..now we'll be watching for him!) "Ben"????????? Maybe *ben* (been) thinking a little too hard about all of this!?! (The pressures of AC!) ^ ~ ^ (Always get *mental* pictures from your blogs Ryan!! ^ ~ ^).

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